Alle Menschen werden Brüder

Saw this today on the Humor Indignado 99% Facebook page.

Charles Addams' Hundredth

Charles "Chas" Samuel Addams was born 7 January 1912 in Westfield, New Jersey.

Protégez-vous

Hat Tip to The House of LeMay.

You might be Anglo-Catholic if.....

... you believe that Sacraments are to be administered, not passed around.
... you hold the doctrine that whatever is worth doing is worth overdoing.
...you think of the Wippell's catalog as liturgical porn.
...you get more exercise genuflecting, kneeling, and prostrating than running, jogging, or walking.
...most of the volumes in your library have been out of print for over a century.
... the primary causes of your violating the Tenth Commandment are found on the pages of Wippell's.
...You'd consider going over to Rome if it didn't mean giving up being catholic.
...on hearing the parable of the Good Samaritan, you wonder what the priest and the Levite were wearing.
...on Easter morning in your parish, the men at the altar wear more lace than the women in the congregation.
...you believe that the current controversies over the Bishopric of Jerusalem, the Open Pulpit Canon, the ordination of women, the new Prayer Book, and the Bishop of New Hampshire can be settled amicably but that the Alcuin Club and the Society of SS. Peter & Paul may need separate provinces.
...you believe that 'old-time religion' was what we had before Pius XII started mucking around with Holy Week.
....you'll fight to the death for the 1928 Prayer Book, provided it's never actually used.
... you are willing to receive a visitation from your bishop, but would go to the barricades to keep cassock-albs out of your parish.
... you think that "Almy" is French for Methodist.
...you think that "On Eagles' Wings" is where Low Churchmen read the epistle.
…you have trouble breathing if there’s not enough incense at Mass.

Borrowed from OCICBOV.

'I... I THINK I'M GONNA COME...'

I did not watch the Dear Leader last night. I'm not hostile to him; I just didn't expect much from the speech and couldn't get caught up in the glow. Dennis Perrin, always over the top, nails him spot-on:-

I know it's early, and that many liberals are still pinching their nipples, but for fuck sake, is this how it's gonna be every time Obama opens his mouth?

OBAMA: "I have confirmation that our brave combat pilots took out 90 suspected terrorists in Herat, and while a large number of the dead are unfortunately women and children, this necessary strike helps to ensure that Afghanistan is not a launching pad for attacks against North America."

LIBERALS: "Oh God! That voice! That posture! Such command! Such intelligence! I . . . I think I'm gonna come . . ."

"HOW DO THE WHITE MEMBERS OF YOUR CONGREGATION CLAP?"

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Obama's New Church

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MARY IN DRAG - AMSTERDAM'S PINK CHRISTMAS

From Beth Twiston-Davies in FAITH CENTRAL

This is Mary (though I wouldn’t hazard a bet on her virginity). In drag. Part of yesterday’s “Pink Christmas” tableau in Amsterdam. Mary is played, AP informs us, by a “male entertainer” known as Wendy Mills. Unfortunately this photograph doesn’t display the laced high-heeled boots which complete her outfit, but as you might have guessed, the man just behind her to the right, draped in the silver shawl, flashing a glimpse of black leather trunks and spectacularly tacky gold rose, is supposed to be Joseph.

Christian groups have naturally objected to the five-person tableau staged in the yard of an Amsterdam nightclub, and sponsored – to the tune of 15,000 euros – by Amsterdam City Council.

The independent group Christians for Truth says: "By portraying Joseph and Mary as homosexuals, a twisted human fantasy is being added to the history of the Bible.” However, Frank van Dalen, organiser of the “Pink Christmas” (which is accompanied by a Christmas sex toy market) wants the tableau to be an annual affair, a sort of winter complement to Amsterdam’s Summer gay pride parade. He says: "Our objective is not to be offensive. This is about visibility. Van Dalen referred to a report published last month that said homophobia was an ingrained problem in Amsterdam, and that Dutch gays feel the society they live is becoming more assertive about “classical values.”

Wouldn't Benny have a fun time with this? /sarcasm/

SHOCKED!

SEND UP

This is ourselves under pressure

(Yeah, I've discovered blip.tv; sure has hell better, and more enjoyable, than YoufuckinTube, and better quality. h/t to 5B4Chaos.)

MYSTERIOUS WAYS

No, not the Shroud of Turin. On this August morning, it's worth giving y'all the whole post from Ten Percent

Something to brighten (at least where I am) this damp drizzly Monday, the snack food Messiah is here! Via the splendidly named Lesbian Pirate Queen blog (nevermind a blog, that’s a movie waiting to happen!)-

A Missouri woman is claiming she recently discovered a depiction of the crucifixion in her Cheetos. “I think I found Jesus on a Cheeto, as funny as that sounds,” said Kelly Ramey of High Ridge.

Ramey’s pastor, David Bennett, was not as enthusiastic about the Cheeto’s theological significance, but he thinks some good may come of it. “If people can find Jesus, somehow, in each of us like she’s found in this object, that would be a wonderful thing.” Her husband has a special name for it. “He calls him Cheesus.”

THE BONFIRE OF THE MAGAZINES

And I subscribe to both. You just knew it would happen. (H/T to White House For Sale.) Vanity Fair has joined in with its OTT cover. Pardon the metaphor, but it's like beating the dead horse (and the dog days are a week away!)

MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN: WE ARE NOT AMUSED

Buckingham Palace has sent a Message from H.M. The Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

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2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

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4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

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13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyondyour borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

And you know - ipso facto - this means the Episcopal Church and the GAFCONISTAS can take a hike. Since HM is the Defender of the Faith, the Church of England now becomes the Established Religion throughout the Land!

(Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA - those with a good sense of humour and NOT humor.)

THE BIG SHOW: BANKHEAD AND DIETRICH

'IF PEOPLE WANT CLEAN WATER, BUY IT IN A BOTTLE'

Thanks to Five Before Chaos.

SATURDAY FUN

I needed a break from the ridiculous primary horse race. A friend sent me this link from YouTube: Jackie & Rosanne meet AB FAB. My favourite line is "She's the perfect weight for New York: 2 lbs above organ failure." Go:watch and cackle with laughter. (Embedding was disabled.)

CUZ NO ONE WANTS A FELLA WITH A SOCIAL DISEASE

MISS MANNERS

Dear Miss Manners:

To my chagrin, I learned that the erstwhile object of my affections has given me a lovely memento, also known as a social disease.

What is the proper way to alert him to this fact, as he will also need treatment? Must I do this in person? He is abroad for another week. My disgust is such that without your guidance, I have awful visions of denouncing his infidelity or blurting out bad puns.

Do not do that. Repeat: not.

It is not only that you want to remain a lady, even when dealing with someone who is not a gentleman. This is especially true when dealing with someone who is not a gentleman and who knows a great deal of personal information about you. Miss Manners recommends that you inform him in writing, so you are not tempted to say more than you should. E-mail will not do, because it so easily goes astray -- and can be forwarded. Also, you need to be able to tear up your first 10 drafts so that the one you send is simple, factual and decently worded.

Well, doh, Springfield!

VtBuzz buzzes - One Vermont campaign is over faster than you can say Cowabunga, baby. Our Springfield has won the chance to host the premiere of The Simpsons Movie, beating out all those other states with lesser Springfields... read it all here.

Like Terri Hallenbeck, I've never seen the Simpsons. Springfield has been deprived for years; it can now proudly call itself depraved. :-P

Coulda fooled me!

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Inland North You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."
The Northeast
Philadelphia
The Midland
The South
Boston
The West
North Central
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

No offence - oops, I mean offense (haha) - but I've never been asked if I was from Wisconsin. I've never even been to the 'inland North,' though I grew up as a kid in the NYC and New England; after uni I lived for over 20 years in Houston, Texas; and having lived in south-east England for a while, I can mimic the best Estuary accent. It was fun to do the quiz. How did all y'all do? :-P

Cheers to Michele at Anglican Underground.

Two-Ply!

In keeping with today's funny threads: AP - Butts Charged With Stealing Toilet Paper


Thanks to TalkLeft for this headline of the week.

As long as it's done tastefully

TheSpoof - Voodoo Makes Inroads in Stressed-Out Suburbs