ROYAL HANDSHAKES ASSURE US SUCCESS IN AFGHANISTAN AND IRAQ

THE HAGUE (AP) - In a Joint Communiqué issued here by Her Majesty the Queen and President George Bush, it was announced today at Huis Ten Bosch, the royal residence, that the State of New York will be returned to The Netherlands and become New Netherland, an autonomous part of the Kingdom.

Also, it was also announced in London by Buckingham Palace that President Bush met secretly with Queen Elizabeth II in anticipation of his last European tour, dubbed by some pundits as the "Last Hurrah 2008." At a Palace high tea, it was confirmed that, by Executive Order, the United States will join the Commonwealth. The Prince of Wales will leave for Washington immediately to become the Governor-General of the United States. The Prince and the Duchess of Cornwall will take up residence at Mount Vernon, the former home of the first president of the US. “The estate on the banks of the Potomac will be an ideal location for organic gardening and the establishment of a Community Sustainable Agriculture farming scheme to assist inner-city Washington youth,” said The Prince’s Trust in a press release.

Analysts say both maneuvers will shore up support of what had become a coalition of the unwilling in the Afghan and Iraqi debacles. The Dutch mission in Afghanistan has become the most accident-plagued and expensive operation in recent Dutch history, however the announcement from The Hague assures that Dutch armed forces will remain indefinitely. This trade off recalls the Dutch-Anglo treaty in 1674, when the Netherlands obtained Suriname in exchange for relinquishing control over New Amsterdam. "What goes around, comes around," said a delighted Queen Beatrix. The agreement also assures that Heineken brewery will have sole distributory rights to provide kegs for US troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Although Prime Minister Gordon Brown, following the wish of the population of the United Kingdom, had expressed a desire for British troops to return from Iraq, the decision to give the US commonwealth status was linked to the success of the surge, particularly in keeping British forces in Basra and would give the US a much needed boost to its morale and air attacks in the region. It is also rumoured that the president will become George, Baron of Crawford, in the Queen’s annual birthday honours list. It has already been confirmed that the United States will participate in the next Commonwealth Games.